Learning about life

Hi Again,


It has been a rough couple of weeks, but I have learned something. In everything that happens, good or bad, God has a purpose. I went through a time for a few months where I didn't want to talk to Him. I didn't want to know what His plan was for this, or try to see the good in each situation. I wanted answers, and I wanted them yesterday. I wanted to know why I had such a strong desire for something, but He denied it. That kind of pain flabbergasted me. I felt like the outcast kid on the playground, and God said "see what you could have and what you want so badly, but I am not going to give that to you- Ha Ha". In the past year I have seen so many things happen to wonderful people, God-fearing, faithful people. How could a loving God allow all of this pain and hurt. How could a perfect God allow such horrible, imperfect things to happen? None of it made sense to me. I don't know that many people knew I felt this way, but I did. I am a pretty good pretender that things are fine.


Around that time my husband and I head about a relatively inexpensive concert at our Church and decided to get tickets. It was an "unplugged" concert, which we usually enjoy no matter who it is. Well, in preparation we started to listen to a few of his songs (it is Jeremy Camp by the way) and I hear the songs 'I Will Walk By Faith' and "I Still Believe". At first I was a little put off. I have heard of other artists who have written similar songs but who have really not faced a life altering trial. To me it seems like it is so easy to say that you need to trust in God during the good times and the bad when you really haven't faced a trial that alters your life. You know, those moments that forever after are the "Before this date" and "After this date" that fully redefine who you are. (Note: I am not saying that these songs are wrong or bad in any way, but just ring a little hollow at times - Kind of like the person who says "it is just God's will" to someone after a funeral. Very true, but not so comforting at the time. )


By the time the concert came around I had started to become bitter about a lot of things, and could not have told you the last time I prayed if I had to do so to save my life. But I still went, and what I heard that night was about where these songs came from. They came from the pits of despair, a life altering trial. They came from a a place of pain and asking God "Why?". In the matter minutes my perspective on that concert, that artist and God, changed in a story of pain and hurt, but most of all love. A love between a husband and wife, overshadowed by love from God. (Check out jeremycamp.com for the full story http://jeremycamp.com/walk.html) That became an "After this date" day for me. I have listened to those songs (and others) for weeks, and have slowly found that God has been waiting for me all this time. He has waited for me to crawl into His lap with my broken spirit and bruised heart and cry out all my tears. (Mr. Camp, if you ever read this please know that Melissa's life touched mine even so many years later)


So where am I now? Still no where near where I should be, but well on my way. There are still days when I ask why, but I think that is the human side of me. It has taken me almost two months to get to this point, but looking back I am grateful for that time. I have learned that there is a purpose in whatever God has planned. Just because I can't see it doesn't mean it's not there. I've learned that I am a prodigal child, over and over again, and God has the feast prepared each time I return. I am not at a point of "Pure Joy", but a lot closer......


James 1:2-4, “ Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

I Made It

Well, it is well past October 16, 2007 and the world is still spinning in orbit. I really don't feel much different than I did when I went to bed on the 15th.


My dear co-workers brought in balloons and a cake, as well as decorated my cube. Oh, and they posted signs around our building with my picture and the phrase "It took 30 years to look this good - Happy Birthday Beth!" So, total strangers have stopped me all week to say happy birthday.


My wonderful husband had flowers sent to my office for me - they are absolutly beautiful! Thanks Sweetheart!!!

My fantastic friends and mom threw the best party I could have asked for. I know I said it before, but thank you. You have no idea how much I appreciated it! (And thank you to my dear friend's husband who helped clean and get their house ready!)

A few highlights.... my husband also got me a new camera (it's PINK!!!) my dear friend made me a scrapbook for my friends to sign for the party and my Dad was there. I didn't think he would be able to make it, but he did. That made my day.

Overall, I would have to say that 30 is agreeing with me.

My Birthday

I will be 30 in three days. I remember turning 21 and thinking, "Wow, I feel so adult now", and getting married at 25, thinking "this is it, life is good". Life was so simple then. Now here I sit, 5 years later and reflect on my life. Two years ago, roughly to the day, started a journey that I thought would be long over by now. I am realizing it has just begun, and I have no idea where it will lead. I won't say that the past few years have been easy, because God might strike me down for lying. But I have learned a lot.

I have learned that life isn't always fair, and doesn't always go as planned. I have learned that it's ok to be sad sometimes, and it is ok to cry when you are. Really bad things can happen to really good people, and great things can happen to really bad people. It is also ok to laugh and be crazy with your friends - they love you anyways. I've learned that the "Wall of Chocolate" at P.F. Changs is worth every calorie and gram of fat in it. I learned it's ok to call your best friend and say "I need a Girls Night Out and a good Margarita" and they understand without a question, because sometimes it is their turn to call in the request. I learned that I can clean my house in any order that I choose, and the universe still remains. (Sorry Mom, but it's true. I love you though for all you have taught me). I have learned that finding a really great pair of shoes on sale really can change the entire mood of your day. I've learned that life isn't perfect- and that's what makes it life.

Sometimes I feel too wise for my years. I wish I didn't know so much about some of the things I do, but I do recognize that the knowledge I have from those experiences is what makes me who I am. I am who I am because of the road I traveled to get to this day. I am completely unique because of where I have traveled. Someone once told me that I was like a Snowflake, that there wasn't anyone elese quite like me. I like that. I don't know if the world could handle more than one.